(A) I hear that you have found my behaviour and/or communication with me problematic for you in some way. Is that right?

(A) I hear that you have found my behaviour and/or communication with me problematic for you in some way. Is that right?
-
(B) I recognise how likely it is that people will get upset by the actions of others eg me & I'd like to address the harm you experienced. The truth for me is that I want harmony and I regrettably wasn't as mindful of your preferences (& how to get beyond win-win to 'systemic win') as I would like to have been in my doing what I did at that time.
Can we please work towards agreeing the way in which I address the harm caused as I believe there's something much more than an apology that I could do for you?

(C) OK, I've heard that what's important to you now is....
Is that right?

(D) Thank you for clarifying that...
I find it difficult to give up a deep seated belief & yet I experience your words -and, on request, I'll clarify which words these are- as implying that you want me to give up one of my beliefs in order to fit in with your perspective on right and wrong.
HOW DOES THAT LAND WITH YOU?

(E) My deep belief is that there is a much richer way for us to have the conversation about the dispute between us & that either of us bringing in a perspective on right and wrong risks losing the winning outcome that I want for you, for me and for all i.e. systemic win.
CAN I CHECK THAT YOU'VE TAKEN THIS MUCH OF MY HOPES FOR OUR COMMUNICATION ON BOARD?

(F) Thank you for letting me know what you took from my words. Just as most people want to be understood, in my experience that is, I'd like to have been heard a little differently. I'm confident that we're making progress towards a place of mutual understanding/comprehension, and the more I satisfy you with letting you know what I've understood your concerns to be, the more chance I reckon you'll have the space to get my concerns. What would you like me to understand of your concerns before I explain further about how I reckon we get to a place of "systemic win" that includes your concerns being addressed?

(G) I'd really like it if you could hear my deep-seated belief that "Everyone's always doing the best they can to meet needs & that I reckon there's always a better way we can meet needs." Could you let me know what you heard my belief to be?

(H) Perhaps you would like to discuss my belief about human motivation further, or could we go onto the way this belief impacts on addressing your upset?

(I) To help me address your harm could we please start by de-toxifying your account of what I did so that however repulsive to your values my action was, you're no longer making me "wrong". Making someone wrong is often the biggest obstacle to sorting out any situation. The situation is not a clash of needs so much as a clash of strategies to meet needs. How would it be for you to experiment with trying to meet "in a place beyond right and wrong" to mourn together what happened?

(J) Perhaps you find the word 'mourning' strange? I find that mourning is so much richer than the world of apology, which to me seems to require either self-hatred or a departure from the truth of human behaviour as I understand it. The truth for me is that I was doing my best to meet needs and yet I regrettably wasn't as mindful of your preferences (& what 'systemic win' looks like) as I would like to have been in my trying to meet those needs.

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Do let me know please if this email has been clear/helpful or not & what you would really like. Is that OK with you?

http://www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action/understand-each-other's-needs

With love from
Paul

On interacting with others:
1) "Many people like Paul exist; who do things we don't like"
http://ethicaloutings.blogspot.com/p/many-people-like-paul-exist-who-do.html

2) Your Needs are Equal to Mine: http://yourneedsequaltomine.wordpress.com/

3) Gateway to harmonising with others (eg through an ApologyPlus!) http://communicatingneeds.org.uk

On Cancer: http://bit.ly/yOm4Qk

On the phone: 0780 70 66 202

Community Engagement and Community Development in Hastings and St Leonards:
http://additionalinfo.blogspot.com/2012/01/community-engagement-and-community.html
& http://ethicaloutings.blogspot.com/p/links.html

Paul is AKA "The Imperfect Idealist" & AKA Lend-It-All Man:
Anything I own you can borrow, & much you can keep as I'm de-cluttering, aledgedly!